Faith?

It was a word used yesterday during a long and difficult conversation with a friend.... Faith.

Do I have it? (I thought I did.)
Have I lost it?( I didn't know I had.)
Did I have it then lose it?
What is it to me?

I have been asking myself these questions ever since.

I always have said that "I have Faith that things will work out", and I say prayers for my friend's little girl who has a brain tumor, and for the woman I went to HS with who is battling cancer, and for my parents, my brother, Juan and friends to be well.

But what do I mean exactly? Who am I sending those prayers too? I've always thought that if I work hard and strive toward my goals then eventually things will work out the way they are supposed to and I do good deeds (volunteering, donations etc). I believe in God, Buddha, Allah ... all 3...I've never understood why people bash each others religion...I've always thought...to each their own.

But which do I believe in? I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school in Scotland until I was 12 yrs old. We went to Mass every Sunday.  When we moved to NJ we continued to go, but at some point, in my mid-teens, my mom gave David and I a choice about going and we chose not too. But I still believe there is a God in Heaven and that all of my loved ones are there. I don't however disregard all other religions.  I read alot of books that are religious historical fiction and find it fascinating...so I've always been open to learning about others like Allah and Buddha
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I don't practice though, not Catholicism or any other religion, I've tried Buddhist Chanting and it didn't feel right either.  During that conversation yesterday it was suggested to me that perhaps I try to find some real "Faith" to help guide me during this difficult time. I've never seen myself doing that. The problem I have with religion is that you look to outside sources for the answers that I have always believed are within ME. I don't mind saying a prayer for others in the hopes that our collective goodwill will help strengthen that person or persons well being, but for me, I always look to myself. Which, I am beginning to realize may be the problem. Being in my own head, throwing ideas, worries etc around isn't helping .... AT ALL!!

My friend said to me..."You spent 8 hours cleaning your closet and organizing that part of your life...take 8 hours and dedicate it to finding your Faith again...1/2 hr in the morning and 15 minutes during the day and just see if it helps!" Maybe she is right, maybe I need to start looking outside myself for the answers I need and that will help me get to were I need to go.

Maybe getting this Bank job wasn't in the cards for me right now....so along with looking for work, I will add looking for my "Faith" again...in the hopes that somewhere along the line the 2 may merge and I will finally start to see the world differently...and view it from outside my head!

Heather